yes, it's that time of the year again. somehow, this year, i really feel older. strangely. especially when i see school uniforms, even NS uniforms (yes, even the new ugly ones. bleah). that being said, met up with alot of people over last wkend till today. for once it felt good to hear and see everyone getting along great, graduating, interning, entering the workforce. then it struck me suddenly that im on track to the end of my life. think about it, you stay in school for 1/4 of your life and then you enter the workforce and work till you die. ok, say you get married and have kids along the way. it's really the end of life as we know it. work, pay the bills, work some more, take a break, die. seems like life is going to be reduced to just that, mundane...torturous even. and if work is not exactly fulfilling, wont it be even worse? seems like i have a very bleak outlook on what's left of life...

i went to the western end of the island today. passing by Kranji reminded me of booking into camp with jianan, eric and wx. going to JP reminded me of the many nights out from AISL to 42. it was also mindboggling how much it had changed in a short period of 8 mths, together with many other places like Bugis, Northpoint, Orchard, even Yew Tee. next time i shld visit the east. heard that there's a 3rd mall in tampines. oh the significance of malls to singaporeans.

and then i was thinking of the usual nights out stuff we'd do: 1) eat fast food 2) get bubble tea 3) go to one of the games arcade 4) visit NTUC to restock 5) head back to camp. all the other work during the day can be simply reduced into 2 forms: PT and saigang. life was ok; it was simple. you could almost say like clockwork, routine. and as i think of all these new developments, i somehow felt shortchanged. but then again, if all these stuff were available back then, somehow i think it wouldnt have changed things very much. this business of reconciling the past and present is getting to me and yet i still clamour for more. just what is it about this thing called nostalgia? or is there something worth reliving, or is there just some regret that im consciously unaware of? regardless, it is this act of looking back and wondering of what things have become/could have been, in hindsight no less. such a wonderfully helpless feeling. every time i go to a place and images just invade my mind. and u know that there is no way to go but forward.

and then we drove out of the new jp, past ntu, right onto the emergency runway outside LCK Camp and tengah airbase. i was reminded of the time wx and i took a cab from home to report to SGC for the first time and the many times i took the bus on that route. Strangely, there was no stench of chicken detritus. We went all the way past SAF Armour Centre, turned into neo tiew road, got onto kranji dam and out of the wilderness that remains in Singapore. and i was not in the usual attire of collared tee with jeans and shoes, backpack full of laundry.

i dont think i want to deal with much more of such moving on. but then, time just leaves me behind as everyone else just forges ahead. and this is life as i know it. Life's a bitch, deal with it.

It's a Monday. But there's no school and i spent my first 2 waking hours making zhap chye and radish soup with pork rib. supposed to be for lunch but i guess dinner wont be too bad since there's just so much. it's such a lazy Sunday feeling, except that there's no sun, only rain. bummer. i feel like ive been forgotten, left behind in a little corner, but i know that's not true, im just idling around while everyone else is engaged in meaningful, productive activities.

need to go exercise to unload that dreadful freshman 15. and then there's tuition later for chemistry. am not totally keen on doing this but im seeing this more as a favor than anything. only hope that i can still answer tutee's qns and not be too stumped or stunned with what she has to do. like, who knows what new methods schools have come up with to torment students in the few years that i have left the system rite? i prescribe a certain amount of rote learning, which has been severely underrated since the advent of creative and critical thinking and other such fancy schmanzy. understanding is one thing BUT to beat the severe time constraints of exams, nothing's like constant drilling and the power of human memory. the chinese and indians are not good at math and science for nothing. guess that's why i didnt score As in my organic chem both semesters. haiz. game the system...that's the singaporean game.

8 mths away from Singapore, I couldnt help but wonder what has changed since i left. True enough, most of the things that were here are still here but many small, almost imperceptible changes took place. within those big malls, little shops have sprung up or vanished. stalls changed hands at the neighbourhood kopitiams and life still goes on, like the previous vendors were never there. so what is it that im looking for by revisiting those familiar places, only to be filled with sore disappointment? the past that can never be re-lived. and the 8 mths worth of stories in people's lives that simply cannot be retold over a meal or two.

and so i return, to find that every one has moved on with their lives, filling out their own niche, while im socially dislocated, escaping from the harshness that is philly. it's like im torn out of one movie and transplanted into another. as everyone forges ahead, i intrude, trying to find something that's buried deep.

and as i lay under the trees under the noon sun, i remembered the exact same feeling that last year. Sunlight parted the crowns of the 2 trees, their leaves twinkling in all shades of green as the wind weaved through the branches. i cupped my hands on my forehead and tried to enjoy that moment of tranquility when raindrops tumbled from the sky beyond the 2 patches of green. perhaps next year the trees would have given way to some spanking new blocks of condo that would provide shade for that part of the stadium eternally.

With the end of Spring 09, my freshman year came to a close. it was rather different from Fall 09 firstly becos of winter and spring. i got to see locust turn from dull and bald to bright green under the sun, which appears more frequently over spring and for a longer period. Then there were the people who fit more closely with my definition of classmates, in econ and math and ealc and by extension, the hill ppl. they made studying so much more bearable and their crazy (or should i say annoying) antics together with all the various accents made being international seem kinda cool. singlish IS the way to go.

School would not be complete without classes would it. enjoyed most of my classes this last semester with the EXCEPTION of MATH240. never take that class if there is no need to. either be prepared to memorise and drill yourself or die trying. perhaps i didnt work hard enough for that class but no excuses when it affects good old orgo. blah! come to think of it, i wonder how the others did in that class. oh dear...

then there are the singaporeans. Sing City was a very enjoyable experience, despite the insane hours that we worked. the big and small events here and there, all those birthday things. and the many nights of mahjong and gossiping and random days of cooking. HAHA. these must be enough to make a memorable spring. unfortunately, a bunch of the juniors/seniors are graduating so next semester will be different without them. but then we should not forget the incoming freshmen, whose attendance we are still unsure of up till now. seems set for a great new year.


in the meantime, it's back to the sunny island of singapore.

finals suck. period