It's amazing how authors always try to align the reader with the protagonist. Nevermind the ethics and morals; we'd always be sympathetic towards those main characters and disdainful of the antagonists. I wonderif another author wrote the same story from the antagonist PoV, how evil would the protagonist be? But then not all protagonists are ethically "good". no matter. anyone knows of books whereby the author creates hate and disgust for the main character?

The protege was a good film, despite the chopped hand scene being a bit too gruesome. But it was good to watch, nicely put together. and raintree came up with it. time for everone to pay serious attention to local goods.

Sometimes, apathy is the best form of sympathy. Many situations arise when i know that nothing i say will make things alright. words of sympathy may come across as word of pity and im sure people would not relish coming across as weak and pathetic. keeping quiet and acknowledging with an imperceptive nod seems to be the best way to show sympathy, to give the bereaved some time and space to come to terms with loss. Even asking how one is feeling is simply stupid cos it's obvious that the feeling is lousy, and THAT could be an understatement. i know that this may come across as unfeeling, and ive tried it, but it certainly beats saying stupid things and not being able to extricate myself from it. All im saying that space should be given and work not piled back on immediately when the person reports back to work. I noe, cos ive been in those shoes and seen others in those shoes...

Jus a random thought...

And today concludes the annual ritual of visiting. This CNY doesn't seems to be the same as before. No wizened faces, gaunt hands and tufts of white hair sitting at the same table as us. No toothy smile, messy hair waiting in the flat. Somehow, the mood was different and it was palpable. Nobody had much to say.

What is the purpose of such festivities? As i was watching the celebratory program on TV yesterday night, i felt strangely detached and weird, as if what the ppl on screen were doing belonged to another dimension altogether. If CNY is a reason for people to come together, feast and make merry, then wouldnt we have wasted our gifts as human beings, with the distinctive capacity to feel and think, not to do it as and when there is a need? Are excuses being made to avoid get-togethers and merry-making just becos there is no public holiday and there's work to be done the very next day? Then havent we been forcing ourselves every CNY, christmas, Hari raya, deepavali, labour day, national day and what not? What happened to the purpose and meaning behind such festivities? The excessive nos. of countdowns in a fleeting period of 3 months, as some would call it, have diminised the meaning of such seasons, making them seem all the more frivolous. How many people are more concerned with the meaning of hongbaos rather than the grand total of this year's round of "visiting"?

This is the last year my eldest cousin would be getting hongbaos from the elders. It adds to the weirdness of it all, as very soon, there'd be an addition to the family. Who knows what that will be like but for now, I'll jus look forward to the wedding. It's hard to imagine, 17 yrs ago, that any one of us could get married. i used to think that my cousins and i would be best friends forever but time passes so fast and we have all walked down different paths in life. haha how naive. Now, i dont really know exactly what they are up to but the feeling of familiarity and warmth is still there, nonetheless. I guess they are the only links i have to my childhood, to the CNYs where everyone went to grandma's, when my aunt wasnt married, with spicy red curry (spicy probably becos i wasnt accustomed to eating chilli then), lots of traditional cookies, and lots of people - relatives who i did not managed to see until my grandma's funeral last november.

I really dont see myself being married in say the next 10 maebe 15 years but i wish i wont be spending festivals alone, in a rented flat, watching TV and listening to radio. I want to have children without having to go through their childhood but that's really just selfish of me. perhaps all i want is someone to listen. or perhaps i just want to be left alone, not caught up in the superficial-ness and artificiality of it all.

Voyager concluded without a bang. or rather, it was a pretty pointless exercise. and i havent felt more relieved to go back to coyline since BMT fieldcamp.

This new year is feeling pretty different. I guess it's jus different with less people around...and ppl ard me are getting pretty lousy news about their loved ones, accidents... fortunately eugene's not harmful in any way. is it jus nature's way of dealing with the booming global population? it's a black period indeed. cant imagined being bumped off just like that. The frailty of life never seemed more real..

Been having weird thoughts about the fish in the supermarket. What did its eyes look like when it was alive? why is its mouth open? I thought i saw it jump at me....and images of it served on platters on the dining table were conjured out of nowhere, becoming images of body parts served on tables. freaky. do vegans think of such things? they think such therefore they are such? i dunno... but it's not as if im becoming vegan anytime soon. brrrr..