And today concludes the annual ritual of visiting. This CNY doesn't seems to be the same as before. No wizened faces, gaunt hands and tufts of white hair sitting at the same table as us. No toothy smile, messy hair waiting in the flat. Somehow, the mood was different and it was palpable. Nobody had much to say.

What is the purpose of such festivities? As i was watching the celebratory program on TV yesterday night, i felt strangely detached and weird, as if what the ppl on screen were doing belonged to another dimension altogether. If CNY is a reason for people to come together, feast and make merry, then wouldnt we have wasted our gifts as human beings, with the distinctive capacity to feel and think, not to do it as and when there is a need? Are excuses being made to avoid get-togethers and merry-making just becos there is no public holiday and there's work to be done the very next day? Then havent we been forcing ourselves every CNY, christmas, Hari raya, deepavali, labour day, national day and what not? What happened to the purpose and meaning behind such festivities? The excessive nos. of countdowns in a fleeting period of 3 months, as some would call it, have diminised the meaning of such seasons, making them seem all the more frivolous. How many people are more concerned with the meaning of hongbaos rather than the grand total of this year's round of "visiting"?

This is the last year my eldest cousin would be getting hongbaos from the elders. It adds to the weirdness of it all, as very soon, there'd be an addition to the family. Who knows what that will be like but for now, I'll jus look forward to the wedding. It's hard to imagine, 17 yrs ago, that any one of us could get married. i used to think that my cousins and i would be best friends forever but time passes so fast and we have all walked down different paths in life. haha how naive. Now, i dont really know exactly what they are up to but the feeling of familiarity and warmth is still there, nonetheless. I guess they are the only links i have to my childhood, to the CNYs where everyone went to grandma's, when my aunt wasnt married, with spicy red curry (spicy probably becos i wasnt accustomed to eating chilli then), lots of traditional cookies, and lots of people - relatives who i did not managed to see until my grandma's funeral last november.

I really dont see myself being married in say the next 10 maebe 15 years but i wish i wont be spending festivals alone, in a rented flat, watching TV and listening to radio. I want to have children without having to go through their childhood but that's really just selfish of me. perhaps all i want is someone to listen. or perhaps i just want to be left alone, not caught up in the superficial-ness and artificiality of it all.