some crappy CNY celebrations took place today, but my class' couplets turned out quite ok. Returned to CHS, with some others, but as soon as i came out from the staff room, the rest were already nowhere in sight. I guess they were more interested in catching up than anything else.

The bus interchange at Tampines was amazingly empty today, as if all the buses available at the interchange had jus left before i came. THe people must have been back at home, having dinner with their families. The scene was rather impactful and this made me rather pensive on the trip back, as the bus jus rumbled along the expressway. Being CNY eve and all, it set me thinking, reflecting on life in the past 4 years.

i asked myself if i was happy, but the more i thot about it the sadder i became. A dominant emotion has been gripping me for the past 2.5 years and i really wonder who has noticed it at all. People think i'm cranky and spirited but who really noes how i feel? it's not always obvious but somehow my writing all express the same emotion, albeit the raw expressions. So much for sensitivity to passages. There are many people around me, some good friends, but do they really noe how i feel? i guess not. I abandoned myself to work, discovering some things which had sustained me, till now. I mus find it again, soon, for life suddenly seems without purpose, as if im just conforming to a routine. At the end of the day, that same emotion haunts me. I listen to people talk, now and then, sometimes they are oblivious to my presence, sometimes intently. Each time i hear something sorrowful, fill with pathos, i ask myself if my predicament is worse. I dunt knoe, really, for this has been wastimg me away slowly. Being in a typically Asian family, i guess not even my family noes how i feel. Indeed, i would really be surprised if anyone knew. Always i project a cheery facade but inside it's a totally different world. That's why i treasure moments that are shared, instances when i can forget the feeling inside. I hate to be alone, because that would mean that i have to face my inner demon. I always wonder, if i can someday win this fight.

Some people ask to be understood and im trying real hard, but it doenst come in an instant. How would u answer if i asked u how much u noe me? u can probably get at most half rite. I suppose no one gives that much attention to what i really feel. But that's alright. In this world, even the sensitive have become insensitive, for each of us are jus too caught up in our own affairs. How many times have i tried to say something and be mistaken for being crazy? i dont know. U do but u probably dont care. How many times was i serious and u treated it with so much levity? ask yourselves. Some people have lots of principles and philosophies but "who are you, to judge me!?" I guess u cannot differentiate wad's real from the false, wad's the truth and wad's not. Someone joined Him when i was younger and since then, everything changed. I guess the trauma was too great to bear. I've seen someone waste away, degenerate, but i feel so helpless. Sometimes, you really cant tell wad's from wad anymore. You jus feel like giving up. I feel like crying but i wont. It's not that no tears would come to me but i dunt want to. i guess this is why people jus dont know the real "me".