Not going to OCS was perhaps the best thing that happened to me in nS, until i was asked the reason why in my final interview. I was caught off guard, totally unaware that it was coming. i was expecting things like research, the industry and even climate change and how it'd affect our resources and then i got asked that. Increasingly annoyed at the question, i shot back with, "there's nothing wrong with that," in the midst of verbal diarrhoea. It was an attempt at trying to disguise my shock but i guess if i went on it'd have made matters worse. But heck with that. i went on to say that specs and offrs knew the same stuff, jus that the offrs were more involved in planning and administration(more detached) and i liked being on the grd, interacting with people. It makes me feel, not that i like being in muck and green everytime but at least i can empathise with the rest and have a better sense of what is going on. And then they shot back, each claiming to be what? Col(NS), Maj.(NS), LTC(NS) and even a lowly LTA(NS). OOPS, big mistake i made. what was i then? a mere PTE back then, passing out to be a CPL (only, it seems to them).

"Perceived to be lacking in command." Right. it's all a matter of elitism that has gripped our nation-state without signs of loosening its hold in the near future. Not when everything has to be the best. look at how many awards are given to "the best" or "top" or "gold with honours" or "distinctions" compared to good progress awards and those of that nature. well at least we are not as pressurised as those in Nihon. Both offrs and specs have their places in the system. and we need good ppl in both roles. and even though i know that there are really deserving ppl in OCS rite now, i've also heard of ppl who have escaped the system, jus as it was in sispec. The system will always be an ideal and what happens in reality will nvr be that. if not, why will ideals exist when it can actually be achieved? Warrant Teo said at the start of the course that those who made it to OCS were merely more lucky than us who ended up in sispec, not better in any way.... Well, it depends on how we look at things and for me, being assigned to golf was the best thing tt happened to me. motivated to achieve is much better than being whipped to produce results. and i disagree with the luck thing. We are jus meant to do different things in life and to do it well, without regrets, to the best of our ability.

Met with kp eugene at vincent's yesterday. RISK is a long-drawn affair and i suggest we set a time limit the next time we play. and kp said russell pereira was his PC at 1gds,HAHA. it's a small world after all. yes, that 6th AERIUS house rep, russell, who was also from soccer and prom king 2004. kp said tt he sucked big time, always NATA and being sarcastic. Daggers in his smile. haha, and i was like, how bad can a house rep be? i mean i saw khalid, glenn and jian hong at PS course in sispec and they seemed to be really amiable.

well, perhaps it's an OCS thing, the products coming from there have not really been up to standard as of late, or so says a survey by DSTA. we all concurred that warrants are so much better. like how kp's PC helped to wash the boot-washing area when they were all rushing to book out. I can NEVER imagine a commissioned officer doing that. perhaps it's something that happened in OCS that caused them to be like that: cold, aloof, condescending even. or maebe they became so disillusioned with their unit lives that they become cynical and unfeeling sometimes towards their men. or maebe it's jus a facade of professionalism at work, a barrier erected to prevent personal feelings from mixing with work. and tt's a way to protect oneself. I really hope that the people(ARE YOU ALL SEEING THIS?) who i know in OCS rite now will not turn out to be tt way. it will be a pity... A rank will always jus be tt but as a person we can be much much more. I dont want to be a draconian martinet but jus me, who talks sense(help me with this) and get things out of the way ane me, who cares.

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I hope i get the letter of offer soon. i really cant rest easy till i see for myself what is on the letter. SMSes are not good enought. and not least till we've signed the contract. i mus be really desperate to "fly away, leave all these to yesterday." haha. and i knew since i was sec 1 wow. something in me jus wants to go and i dont know why. perhaps it's escapsim, which i hope it's not. or maebe it's a novel idea that somehow did not die away. and vincent said tt such processes are very inefficient. does no good to anxious, panicky me. well, tmr is reporting day at ATI also. jus adds to the excitement doesnt it?